Fromage
by Sai du Chickens
Summary: Scully finds an X-Files in her refrigerator--mutant cheese.


MONDAY, 9:08 AM  
HOOVER BUILDING BASEMENT  
  
Scully walked into the basement office, holding the duct-taped shoebox at arm's length. She dropped it with a thud on her partner's desk, causing him to jerk his head up from the book he was absorbed in. "What's this, Scully?" he asked, picking up the box and weighing it with his hands.   
"It's...Oh Mulder, I don't know exactly what it is. But it's definitely- Mulder! Don't open that!"   
  
Mulder was peeling away the tape with his fingers. "Why? Will it bite? Hey, are these air holes?" He held the box up as if to peek in, then he made a face. "Whoa that stinks! Scully, how many times have I told you to stop bringing in your autopsy souvenirs here?"   
  
"Seriously, Mulder, don't open that. It just might bite." She paused. "It's alive"   
  
"What's alive that smells that bad?" This box is too small for a skunk."   
  
"It's...oh this is so embarrassing..."   
  
"Embarrassing?" he grinned. "I definitely want to hear this." Just then the box gave a yelp and jumped four inches straight up. Mulder jerked back "Ai! What is it, Scully? Out with it."   
  
"It's cheese."   
  
"Cheese? Really, Scully even I know that cheese doesn't do that."   
  
"It's true, Mulder. Lately leftovers in my refrigerator have been disappearing. Then I found little white things in the crisper. They were curds. Cheese droppings."   
  
"Kinda makes you want to give up cottage cheese, huh?"   
  
She ignored him and went on. "This morning, I opened the door and there it was. It attacked me." She pulled up her sleeve to show the bandage on her wrist. "Fortunately, I got new shoes yesterday and the box was close at hand. I managed to trap it and tape it up."   
  
"This gives a whole new meaning to dairy products going bad."   
  
She gave Mulder a look. "Mulder, I know this sounds ridiculous. But it's no more crazy that one of your, oh, UFO expeditions or Bigfoot chases."   
  
He leaned back in his chair and propped hi s feet up on the desk. "So have you come up with a rational and scientific explanation for this yet?"   
  
"Ah, the theory is, um, well, I just moved my microwave next to the refrigerator. I think that the radiation combined with..."   
  
"With?" he prompted.   
  
"With the, um, unusually high rate of mold growth, it possibly could have mutated the mold into one single entity which is currently living on and through the cheese."   
  
She could see another wise remark forming in his mind. Before he could speak it, however the top of the box flew off. Amid the stringy shreds of duct tape, a hideous glob of yellow, gray, and green skittered off the desk and out the door, headed for the dark hallway.   
  
Both sat silent for a moment. Finally Mulder spoke. "I guess that was sharp cheddar."   
  
9:36 AM ASSISTANT DIRECTOR SKINNER'S OFFICE   
  
"What is it, agents?" Skinner asked, looking at the two panting people who had just torn into his office.   
  
"Scully brought mutant cheese to work and now it's running loose in the building." Mulder claimed, pointing at her as if she would have to stay in for recess, while he got to go out and play.   
  
Skinner gave them the dubious glare that they knew so well. "A mutant cheese, Agent Mulder?"   
  
Scully had to grin despite herself. Mulder's buck-passing tactics hadn't worked. She spoke up "I am responsible for this, Assistant Director, and I will assume full responsibility for any damage caused by the cheese." Mulder started giggling behind his hand. She elbowed him in the ribs, and went on. "It has already attacked me though it only did minimal damage. The best course of action would-"   
  
She was interrupted by a scream from the hallway. The three reacted instantly, racing out with their guns drawn.   
  
In the hall a female agent was lying on the ground. Her ankle was bleeding. Scully dropped to her knees to examine the injury. "Just a minor wound. What happened?"   
  
The woman sat up, shaking her head slowly. "It came at me from the closet." She said pointing to a slightly ajar broom closet. "It was moldy-looking, but bright yellow in patches."   
  
"Which way did it go?" Skinner asked.   
  
She shook her head. "I didn't see. It happened so fast."   
  
"Let's get you fixed up." Scully said briskly, helping the agent to her feet. "You two go find that cheese."   
  
As they walked down the hall, Mulder heard the woman say "Cheese? That was cheese?" He turned to make a joke to Skinner. He never noticed the ominous man lighting up a cigarette at the other end of the hall.   
  
12:04 PM FBI RECORDS DEPARTMENT   
  
"Isn't it time for lunch?" Mulder complained. He and Skinner had been tracking the cheddar through the building all day while Scully followed to aid the injured. Four people had been attacked including the first woman. None of the injuries had been serious.   
  
Scully walked in the room behind them. "I don't think- Look!" She leveled her gun at a dark corner of the room. Mulder and Skinner did the same. A patch of yellow flickered and disappeared. Mulder ran forwards. "It's gone into the heat system." An idea struck him. "Have the heat in the building turned on immediately!"   
  
"Agent Mulder, it's July! It's almost ninety-seven degrees-"   
  
"No time for questions. Do it." Mulder was running for the furnace room.   
  
12:28 PM FURNANCE ROOM   
  
Their clothes were soaked with sweat, as were the clothes of everyone else in the building.   
  
"Here it comes. Scully! It's running away from the light upstairs, to the dark that's more like it's natural environment. When it gets close enough--take cover!" He ran to hide under the stairs. She followed on pure instinct.   
  
POW! The furnace shook, but held together. Mulder stood up. "OK, we're safe," he said.   
  
"Mulder? What happened?"   
  
"I was going on your microwave mutation theory. As the radioactive particles heated up, the cheese virtually microwaved itself. And when something microwaves too long--"   
  
"It explodes," she finished. "However, this building will stink of rotten cheese until someone comes in to clean the ducts."   
  
"We'll live," he said as they started up the stairs. "I say we go get some lunch now. How about nachos?"   
  
  



End file.
